BrAiN fArT

FOCUS

2011-11-02T15:32:00.000Z

via Twitter by RevRunWisdom

FOCUS! = (F)ollow (O)ne (C)ourse (U)ntil (S)uccessful!

2010-09-05T08:42:00.000Z

HOW TO RECRUIT THE

RIGHT PERSON FOR THE JOB?

Put about 100 bricks in some particular order
in a closed room with an open window.

Then send 2 or 3 candidates in

the room and close the door.

Leave them alone and come back

after 6 hours and then analyze the situation.

If they are counting the bricks,
put them in the Accounts Department.

If they are recounting them,

put them in Auditing.

If they have messed up the whole place with the bricks,

put them in Engineering.

If they are arranging the bricks in some strange order,

put them in Planning.

If they are throwing the bricks at each other.

put them in Operations.

If they are sleeping.

put them in Security.

If they have broken the bricks into pieces,
put them in Information Technology.

If they are sitting idle.

put them in human resources .

If they say they have tried different combinations,

yet not a brick has been moved,

put them in Sales.

If they have already left for the day,

put them in Marketing.

If they are staring out of the window,

put them on Strategic Planning.

And then last but not least,

ithey are talking to each other
and not a single brick has been moved...

Congratulate them and

put them in Top Management

2010-08-19T17:23:00.001Z

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women:

a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

2010-08-05T22:21:00.000Z

One day, a professor asked his students
'Why do we SHOUT instead of speak when we are ANGRY?'

All the students thought for a while. One answered 'Because we lost our cool.
That's why we SHOUT.'

Asked the professor again, 'But the person is just right next to you,
why can't we talk softly but have to SHOUT?'

Everyone gave their opinions but none was accepted by the professor.

Lastly explained by the professor 'When we are ANGRY, our hearts drift apart.
To mask the DISTANCE we felt,
we instinctively SHOUT instead of speak so the other party can hear us.'

'But as we SHOUT, we get ANGRIER. And we felt we drift apart further.
So we SHOUT even louder...'

'It is the opposite when we are in love. Not only we do not shout, we whisper into each other ears.
Why?'

'This is because our hearts are very close, almost never apart.
As our love deepen, we reach a state of communication where there is no need for words.'

'We understand each other well enough just by exchanging look,' concluded the professor.

'Therefore, when we are arguing, DO NOT speak words that will make our hearts drift apart.
WAIT a few days.
When you feel your hearts are no longer far apart, pick up the conversation and continue from there.'

2010-07-29T20:22:00.000Z

What To Do When You Have

2010-07-19T12:10:00.000Z

Humour Along The Way

2010-07-14T10:15:00.001Z

Babies

�

2010-07-11T11:59:00.001Z

Creative Advertising

You Eat What You Touch

Detects Up To 12 Faces

Fight Your Worst Fear With Baygon

Wide Angle Lens

Ephydrol Gets Rid Of Deadly Foot Odor

Bad Breath Affects Those Closest To You

Give Your Dog Stronger Teeth

For Better Digestion

The 280-hp Nissan Altima SE-R. Make Way.

2010-07-01T11:48:00.000Z

A blind boy sat on the steps of a building with a hat by his feet. He held up a sign which said: "I am blind, please help." There were only a few coins in the hat.

A man was walking by. He took a few coins from his pocket and dropped them into the hat. He then took the sign, turned it around, and wrote some words. He put the sign back so that everyone who walked by would see the new words.

Soon the hat began to fill up. A lot more people were giving money to the blind boy. That afternoon the man who had changed the sign came to see how things were. The boy recognized his footsteps and asked, "Were you the one who changed my sign this morning? What did you write?"

The man said, "I only wrote the truth. I said what you said but in a different way."

I wrote: "Today is a beautiful day but I cannot see it."

Both signs told people that the boy was blind. But the first sign simply said the boy was blind. The second sign told people that they were so lucky that they were not blind. Should we be surprised that the second sign was more effective?

Moral of the Story: Be thankful for what you have.. Be creative. Be innovative. Think differently and positively.

When life gives you a 100 reasons to cry, show life that you have 1000 reasons to smile. Face your past without regret. Handle your present with confidence. Prepare for the future without fear. Keep the faith and drop the fear.

The most beautiful thing is to see a person smiling…

And even more beautiful is, knowing that you are the reason behind it!!!

Enjoy your day with a heart of gratitude.

2010-06-29T00:16:00.000Z

Saint Theresa is known as the Saint of the Little Ways, meaning she believed in doing the little things in life well and with great love. She is represented by roses.

Saint Theresa's Prayer

May today there be peace within.

May you trust God that you are exactly where you are meant to be..

May you not forget the infinite possibilities
That are born of faith.

May you use those gifts that you have received ,
And pass on the love that has been given to you.

May you be confident knowing you are a child of
God.. Let this presence settle into your bones,
And allow your soul the freedom to sing, dance,
Praise and love..

It is there for each and every one of us.

2010-06-20T06:19:00.001Z

WHERE DO RED-HEADED BABIES COME FROM?

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the Obstetrician.

"Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you,I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine!!"

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations...."

"Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months."

"Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently.

"It's rust!"

2010-06-13T00:31:00.000Z

Notable Quotes

2010-06-04T10:17:00.000Z

Daddy's car in the woods?

Little Johnny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground and go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy and Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace.

Little Johnny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home and started to tell his mother. "Mummy, I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, and then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mummy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, lets save the rest of it for supper time.I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that evening, Mummy asked little Johnny to tell his story. Johnny started his story, "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look and he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane and Daddy started doing the same thing that Mummy and Uncle Bill used to do when Daddy was away on the oil rigs..."

Mummy fainted!

2010-05-29T00:06:00.000Z

2010-05-12T23:57:00.000Z

A Mother's Love

2010-04-20T23:52:00.000Z

2010-04-08T23:30:00.000Z

One day a man saw a old lady, stranded on the side of the road, but even in the dim light of day, he could see she needed help. So he pulled up in front of her Mercedes and got out. His Pontiac was still sputtering when he approached her.
Even with the smile on his face, she was worried. No one had stopped to help for the last hour or so. Was he going to hurt her? He didn't look safe; he looked poor and hungry.

He could see that she was frightened, standing out there in the cold.. He knew how she felt. It was that chill which only fear can put in you.

He said, 'I'm here to help you, ma'am. Why don't you wait in the car where it's warm? By the way, my name is Bryan Anderson.'

Well, all she had was a flat tire, but for an old lady, that was bad enough. Bryan crawled under the car looking for a place to put the jack, skinning his knuckles a time or two. Soon he was able to change the tire. But he had to get dirty and his hands hurt.

As he was tightening up the lug nuts, she rolled down the window and began to talk to him. She told him that she was from St. Louis and was only just passing through. She couldn't thank him enough for coming to her aid.

Bryan just smiled as he closed her trunk. The lady asked how much she owed him. Any amount would have been all right with her. She already imagined all the awful things that could have happened had he not stopped. Bryan never thought twice about being paid. This was not a job to him.. This was helping someone in need, and God knows there were plenty, who had given him a hand in the past. He had lived his whole life that way, and it never occurred to him to act any other way.

He told her that if she really wanted to pay him back, the next time she saw someone who needed hel p, she could give that person the assistance they needed, and Bryan added, 'And think of me.'

He waited until she started her car and drove off. It had been a cold and depressing day, but he felt good as he headed for home, disappearing into the twilight.

A few miles down the road the lady saw a small cafe. She went in to grab a bite to eat, and take the chill off before she made the last leg of her trip home. It was a dingy looking restaurant. Outside were two old gas pumps. The whole scene was unfamiliar to her. The waitress came over and brought a clean towel to wipe her wet hair. She had a sweet smile, one that even being on her feet for the whole day couldn't erase. The lady noticed the waitress was nearly eight months pregnant, but she never let the strain and aches change her attitude. The old lady wondered how someone who had so little could be so giving to a stranger. Then she remembered Bryan .

After the lady finished her meal, she paid with a hundred dollar bill. The waitress quickly went to get change for her hundred dollar bill, but the old lady had slipped right out the door.. She was gone by the time the waitress came back. The waitress wondered where the lady could be. Then she noticed something written on the napkin.

There were tears in her eyes when she read what the lady wrote: 'You don't owe me anything. I have
been there too. Somebody once helped me out, the way I'm helping you. If you really want to pay me back, here is what you do: Do not let this chain of love end with you.'

Under the napkin were four more $100 bills.

Well, there were tables to clear, sugar bowls to fill, and people to serve, but the waitress made it through another day. That night when she got home from work and climbed into bed, she was thinking about the
money and what the lady had written. How could the lady have known how much she and her husband needed it? With the baby due next month, it was going to be hard....

She knew how worried her husband was, and as he lay sleeping next to her, she gave him a soft kiss and whispered soft and low, 'Everything's going to be all right. I love you, Bryan Anderson.'

There is an old saying 'What goes around comes around.' Today I sent you this story, and I'm asking you to pass it on. Let this light shine. Simply, pass this on to a friend

Good friends are like stars....You don't always see them, but you know they are always there.

2010-03-31T00:25:00.000Z

BLONDE'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP

DEAR DIARY: DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship - all my sexiest dresses and make-up... Really excited.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful and saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today - seems a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 3 At the pool today. Also some shuffle boarding and hit golf balls off the deck. Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 4 Won $800.00 in the ship's casino. Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 5 Pool again today, got sun burnt, and went inside to drink at piano bar for rest of day. Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. He really is charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me if I did not let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was shocked.

DEAR DIARY: DAY 6 Today I saved 2,600 lives—Twice.

2010-03-28T22:19:00.003Z

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2010-03-08T20:39:00.001Z

What cartoon character are you?

Answer all the questions (only 10) with what describes you best, add up all your Points (which are next to the answer that you choose) at the end and look for your results. Do not cheat by looking at the end before you are done.

1. Which one of the following describes the perfect date?

a) Candlelight dinner (4 pts.)

b) Fun/Theme Park (2 pts.)

c) Painting in the park (5 pts)

d) Rock concert (1 pt.)

e) Going to the movies (3 pts.)

2. What is your favourite type of music?

a) Rock and Roll (2 pts.)

b) Alternative (1 pt.)

c) Soft Rock (4 pts.)

d) Country (5 pts )

e) Pop (3 pts.)

3. What type of movies do you prefer?

a) Comedy (2 pts.)

b) Horror (1 pt.)

c) Musical (3 pts.)

d) Romance (4 pts.)

e) Documentary (5 pts.)

4. Which one of these occupations would you choose if you only could

choose one of these?

a) Waiter (4 pts.)

b) Professional Sports Player (5 pts.)

c) Teacher (3 pts.)

d) Police (2 pts.)

e) Cashier (1 pt)

5 What do you do with your spare time?

a) Exercise (5 pts.)

b) Read (4 pts.)

c) Watch television (2 pts.)

d) Listen to music (1 pt.)

e) Sleep (3 pts.)

6. Which one of the following colors do you like best?

a) Yellow (1 pt.)

b) White (5 pts.)

c) Sky Blue (3 pts)

d) Dark Blue(2 pts.)

e) Red (4 pts.)

7. What do you prefer to eat?

a) Snow (3 pts.)

b) Pizza (2 pts.)

c) Sushi (1 pt.)

d) Pasta (4 pts.)

e) Salad (5 pts.)

8. What is your favorite holiday ?

a) Halloween(1 pt.)

b) Christmas (3 pts.)

c) New Year (2 pts.)

d) Valentine's Day (4 pts.)

e) Thanksgiving (5 pts.)

9. If you could go to one of these places which one would it be?

a) Paris (4 pts.)

b) Spain (5 pts)

c) Las Vegas (1 pt)

d) Hawaii (4 pts)

e) Hollywood (3 pts)

10. With which of the following would you prefer to spend time with?

a ) Someone Smart (5 pts.)

b) Someone attractive (2 pts.)

c) Someone who likes to Party (1 pt.)

d) Someone who always has fun (3 pts.)

e) Someone very sentimental (4 pts.)

Now add up your points and find out the answer you have been waiting for!

(10-16 points)

You are Garfield :

You are very comfortable, easy going.

You definitely know how to have fun but sometimes you take it to an extreme.

You always know what you are doing and you are always in control of your life.

Others may not see things as you do, but that doesn't mean that you always have to do what is

right.

Try to remember, your happy spirit may hurt you or others.

(17-23 points)

You are Snoopy:

You are fun; you are very cool and popular.

You alw ays know what's in and you're never out of style.

You are good at knowing how to satisfy everyone else.

You have probably disappeared for a few days more than once but you always come home with the family values.

that you learned Being married and having children are important to you, but only after you have had your share of fun times.

(24-28 points)

You are Elmo:

You have lots of friends and you are also popular.

Always willing to give advice and help out a person in need.

You are very optimistic and you always see the bright side of things.

Some good advice: try not to be too much of a dreamer.

Dreaming too big could cause many conflicts in your life.

(29-35 points)

You are Sponge Bob Square Pants:

You are the classic person that everyone loves.

You are the best friend that anyone could ever have and never wants to lose.

You never cause harm to anyone and they would never not understand your feelings.

Life is a journey, it's funny and calm for the most part.

Stay away from traitors andjealous people and you will be stress free.

(36-43 points)

You are Charlie Brown:

You are tender, you fall in love quickly but you are also very serious about all relationships.

You are a family person.

You call your Mom every Sunday.

You have many friends and may occasionally forget a few birthdays.

Don't let your passion confuse you with reality.

(44-50 points)

You are Dexter:

You are smart and definitely a thinker.

Every situation is fronted with a plan.

You have a brilliant mind.

You demonstrate very strong family principles.

You maintain a stable routine but never ignore a badsituation when it comes.

Try to do less over thinking every once in a while to spice things up a bit with spontaneity!

2010-02-28T18:23:00.001Z

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee.

The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips.

When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh My God."

2010-02-18T20:09:00.001Z

LIFE

Explained Through Bottles:

2010-02-14T00:01:00.000Z

Check Your Fortune For The Year Of The Tiger

The Year of The Tiger begins on today. Drama, intensity, change and travel will be the keywords for 2010. Unfortunately, world conflicts and disasters tend to feature during Tiger years also, so it won’t be a dull 12 months for anyone. The Year of the Tiger will bring far reaching changes for everyone. New inventions and incredible technological advances have a good chance of occurring. For all of the Chinese horoscope signs, this year is one to be active – seizing opportunities and making the most of our personal and very individual talents. Everything happens quickly and dramatically in a Tiger year – blink and you could miss an important chance of a lifetime!

Let’s take a look at each animal, their major personality traits and what the prospects are for 2010, the Year of the Tiger.

The Rat

Rats are charming, elegant and clever. They can be a bit gossipy and prone to being distracted. They’re also thrifty and very good with handling money. Family and close friends are exceptionally important to them. The Rat is charming beyond words and throughout his undoubtedly long life he will always be popular and will have many friends.

Forecast for 2010 The Rat may be feeling quite tired and deflated after 2009, which saw him keeping his head down, working and staying out of trouble. The Year of the Tiger is going to be fast-paced for the Rat, which in itself does tend to make them slightly uncomfortable. But it is essential that they go with the flow and seize opportunities and take adventures – this year is going to be important for them. A lot of Rats may have dreamt of travel in 2009 but were unable to take trips either due to financial or work commitments. This year will be so different! Travel will feature strongly for many and if there is dream destination in mind, it may become a reality during 2010. February and March can bring interesting work offers, while June to August and December will bring happy social occasions. Romantically, September and October bring tempting offers for single Rats, while those who are attached will find the summer most special. It is essential for all persons born under this sign to be extra thoughtful and caring throughout the year – an inadvertent remark or gesture could lead to discord with loved ones.

Interesting Rat Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Garnet
Special Flower: Narcissus
Best Hours: 11 pm -1 am
Season: Winter
Horoscope Colors: Black, White, Purple

The Ox

Sturdy, earthy, no-nonsense – that’s the Ox. Affectionate and easy-going, the Ox can show a fierce temper when agitated.. He is neat, tidy, quiet and studious, with a great love of his home. Music can be a great love. Family life and a loving partner are high on the Ox’s priorities. A wonderful loyal friend.

Forecast for 2010 The Ox loves methodical planning and everything working out in the correct time. The Year of the Tiger will throw all this to the wind with it’s fast pace and unexpected developments! People born under this sign may find 2010 a challenge but in a good way. The Ox will have to adapt to new routines, delays and obstacles thrown in his way, but he will be well able for any task and may find new hidden talents and personal power he didn’t know existed. Hobbies, relaxing pursuits and friendships will all be beautifully highlighted during the Year of the Tiger and will provide a welcome relief to any stresses he may face. Home improvements and redecorating plans will move forward smoothly with excellent results. Career opportunities will present themselves from April to June, while exciting, intense romantic encounters are likely in July, August and December. An important aspect for those under this sign in 2010 is to be mindful and caring of loved ones. It will be crucial to listen to them and also to accept any help they may offer during this changeable year.

Interesting Ox Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Aquamarine
Special Flower: Carnation
Best Hours: 1-3 am
Season: Winter
Horoscope Colors: Green, Yellow, Black

The Tiger

Magnetic, passionate and grand! When the Tiger does anything, it’s noticed! Indecisiveness and stubbornness can mar the sparkle of the Tiger personality. On the one hand generous, on the other hand a little mean, it’s sometimes hard to know where one stands with the Tiger. Flexible, honest and truly entertaining, one has a friend for life with a Tiger.

Forecast for 2010 Being the Tiger’s own year, 2010 holds great promise for those born under this sign, with exciting developments happening for them both personally and professionally. Some Tigers may be feeling disappointed and disheartened after 2009 and it will be important to leave the past behind and concentrate on the future, which is looking so bright! Financially, everything improves this year for those born under this sign and money-making thoughts and ideas should be fully explored and investigated. With the fast pace of this year for all signs, the Tiger needs to take extra care in planning and thinking all projects through – no rushing headlong into schemes during 2010! Tigers looking for romance will possibly see a friendship suddenly develop into something more personal with exciting consequences. August, December and January will see a very active and entertaining social calendar, but all of 2010 will see fun activities for the Tiger. The Spring months, March to May, will bring encouraging and interesting job opportunities, but the Tiger will still have to make sure he puts himself forward and gets noticed at work.

Interesting Tiger Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Sapphire
Special Flower: Violet
Best Hours: 3-5 am
Season: Winter
Horoscope Colors: Green, Blue, Yellow

The Rabbit

Cuddly, warm and affectionate are the attributes of the Rabbit. Mysterious and a great party-giver and host, the Rabbit enjoys being the centre of attention once in a while. The Rabbit is occasionally over cautious and can be a bit boring. He is also one of the luckiest signs in the Chinese Astrology chart.

Forecast for 2010 The focus will be on the Rabbit’s career and job prospects during the Year of the Tiger, with unexpected promotions and recognition very likely. Travel is also highlighted, with short breaks and spontaneous, fun trips featuring during the late Spring and early Summer. Health wise, the Rabbit could find the speed of the Tiger year exhausting and it’s important he balance work with rest and relaxation. Promotion at work or in the Rabbit’s career will be sure to feature and they need to act quickly – no hanging back to see what happens! Some Rabbits will be dissatisfied with their current living arrangements and the perfect new home may appear most unexpectedly – they must act quickly and not miss out! Friendships will play a big role during 2010 with possibly one or two friends needing extra care and help. May and October to January will bring special and fun social gatherings. February and March will be significant and fortunate for those looking to change jobs while July and August will be most auspicious for single Rabbits looking for love – an unexpected liaison could result from a work related social event.

Interesting Rabbit Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Pearl
Special Flower: Jonquil
Best Hours: 5-7 am
Season: Spring
Horoscope Colors: Grey, White

The Dragon

Assertive, energetic and talented are all words to describe the Dragon personality. On the other hand, the Dragon has a tendency to be condescending and tactless without realising it. They generally enjoy robust health and tend to be very successful in anything they turn their hand to.

Forecast for 2010 Dragons will find the quick pace of 2010 very much to their liking and they will be keen to spread their wings and look for new possibilities and opportunities. As with the other signs in the Chinese Zodiac, the Dragon must make use of all the openings and opportunities that present themselves during this year. Teamwork will feature strongly and the Dragon will progress further and faster in his career if he bears this in mind. The Dragon’s financial situation will indeed be rosy during 2010 with a possible increase in income as well as a sum of money coming to them during the year. They must be careful to be disciplined about spending and not make too many impulse buys! May to August will be lovely months for socialising with friends and possible romantic encounters. Dragons do need to remember that love needs attention and if it is taken for granted, problems can arise. May, September and November see the most interesting career changes. Dragons need to take time during the year to have a holiday or getaway with loved ones – with such a busy year, they must not neglect those who matter to them the most.

Interesting Dragon Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Amethyst
Special Flower: Sweet Pea
Best Hours: 7-9 am
Season: Spring
Horoscope Colors: Black, Gold

The Snake

Intelligent and highly intuitive are two of the Snake’s many fine qualities. He makes an amusing and romantic friend with a definite flirtatious streak. When challenged or criticized he can be a sore loser. The Snake is very lucky with money and is fond of the odd bet or two. He is quick-witted and enjoys reading, music and occasionally the paranormal side of life.

Forecast for 2010 The Snake likes to make slow and steady progress and the Year of the Tiger will find him swept along with unexpected developments – they need to adapt and keep up the pace. On the career front, the Snake will have quite a bit of competition and needs to stay ahead of the game in order to be in line for any promotions or career advancement opportunities. He needs to seek advice from those who can help and not appear too independent – working with colleagues will pay off handsomely during the year. Money management will be crucial during the Year of the Tiger and with careful planning, they should have little to worry about. Time spent with loved ones, either on a well-earned holiday or at home, will rejuvenate the Snake’s spirit during a busy and intense year. February through April will favor work endeavors and promotion. July through December will offer many opportunities for single Snakes to meet a special romantic partner. Travel looks most likely during March and June through August, with fun and romance well starred. Snakes can be shy and loners, but the Year of the Tiger will ensure they have many happy social events to attend.

Interesting Snake Facts
Zodiac Stone: Opal
Special Flower: Passionflower
Best Hours: 9-11 am
Season: Spring
Horoscope Colors: Brown Gold, Green

The Horse

Fun, charming and attractive sums up the Horse’s traits perfectly. They love parties and crowds and being the centre of attention. They can also be egotistical, hotheaded and impatient. The Horse is a considerate and protective friend and partner and when in his company, there will always be excitement around the next corner.

Forecast for 2010 The Year of the Tiger will be an exciting and lively year for the Horse. On the home and family front, there may be some changes with family members moving in, moving out or relocating to another location altogether. On the social front, the Horse will be in much demand with invitations to parties and gatherings increasing as the year moves on. Health wise, with such a busy year and added pressures, the Horse must ensure that he looks after his diet and gets adequate rest. Otherwise, irritability and heated arguments could arise unnecessarily. Those born under this sign will do exceptionally well career-wise this year. However, they must follow up leads and career openings with vigor in order to take advantage of the fast paced energy of the Tiger year. A word of caution for the Horse – they need to keep a careful eye on their finances as overspending could happen very easily. August through September will bring fantastic opportunities for those looking for love. March through May will be lucky for changing jobs or careers while November and December will bring fun and lively social gatherings.

Interesting Horse Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Golden Topaz
Special Flower: Rose
Best Hours: 11am-1pm
Season: Summer
Horoscope Colors: Orange, White, Yellow

The Goat

Graceful and optimistic, kind and easy going, would describe a Goat personality. They can also be petulant and discontented, likely to throw the towel in at the beginning of a problem. They can be charming without revealing their true feelings. The Goat is very talented and imaginative and can turn his hand to most creative pursuits.

Forecast for 2010 The Goat likes balance and moderation in all areas of life and the Year of the Tiger will ensure that he discovers new aspects and strengths of himself he didn’t know he had! For the artistic and creative Goat, 2010 will bring offers, opportunities and encouragement, leading to new projects and job offers. If they can remain adaptable, open to change and focused, this year could have long lasting positive implications. Study and developing specialist skills is also highlighted for this year. For those wishing to change jobs or find employment, there may be many frustrating moments and it won’t be easy. But then, out of the blue, a job offer or an opportunity will present itself. Be ready! September to November will bring the best chances for work related success. May to September will have outstanding moments for making new, special friends and enjoying the company of loved ones. All Goats need to be aware that the Year of the Tiger is not the time for taking financial risks. If in doubt or worried, they need to be sure to get the advice of a professional.

Interesting Goat Facts
Zodiac Stone: Emerald
Special Flower: Larkspur
Best Hours: 1-3 pm
Season: Summer
Horoscope Colors: Green, Blue

The Monkey

The Monkey is playful, lively, fun and a quick thinker. They get bored very easily and find it hard to settle down to doing any one thing. The Monkey can also be vain and offhand. They are ambitious and usually very good with investing money. With their quick wit and wonderful sense of humor, they are a great party guest. The Monkey’s life will never be dull and predictable!

Forecast for 2010 The Monkey’s energetic nature will resonate well with the energy of 2010 – but he will definitely need to pace himself or he will burn out! Changes on the job front could startle the Monkey near the beginning of the year, but by adapting and staying calm, he should weather any storm. It would be wise to take a well-earned break mid-year as all Monkeys will be feeling the pressure that the Year of the Tiger is putting on them. Family expenses may very well increase this year and the wise Monkey will do a little bit of forward planning and budgeting to ensure a smooth passage through 2010. August to October will shine for romantic encounters and the unattached could possibly find the partner they’ve been searching for. July to November will be the best time to start making moves for anyone who wishes to change their job. All those born under this sign will appreciate the support they receive this year from loved ones and friends. Advice will be well-meaning and helpful; be sure to listen carefully.

Interesting Monkey Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Peridot
Special Flower: Gladiola
Best Hours: 3-5 pm
Season: Summer
Horoscope Colors: White, Violet, Green

The Rooster

The Rooster is always popular, extravagant and creative.. They can be brutally honest and generally like being showered with attention. They are wonderfully loyal friends and also give advice freely – whether they are asked for it or not! Family means the world to the Rooster and they are fiercely loyal to those they care about.

Forecast for 2010 The Year of the Tiger will have mixed fortunes for the Rooster, but by staying calm, observant and flexible, the Rooster will glide through 2010 coming out much wiser, stronger and with great success behind him. He will be in much demand for his sage advice and experience and, at work, this will come to the notice of his employer. Many will also decide to go back to college this year or completely change the direction of their career. Travel features quite strongly with the Rooster seeking out adventure, fun and new places to visit. A word of caution: all Roosters must ensure that they don’t overdo things – exhaustion and a depleted immune system will result if proper rest isn’t taken. Home life will bring many joys and will be seen as a cozy sanctuary throughout the year. The Spring months and November and December will be excellent for intimate romantic encounters.. March and July to October will be the optimum time for making career decisions or to change jobs.

Interesting Rooster Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Citrine
Special Flower: Aster
Best Hours: 5-7 pm
Season: Autumn
Horoscope Colors: Orange , Green

The Dog

The Dog is wonderfully hard worker, a perfectionist and someone who loves the small details. He is also a bit anti-social, pessimistic and stubborn. They are one of the most honest and loyal signs of the Chinese zodiac and will always go to bat for a worthy cause. The Dog is a fantastic listener and his advice is usually very intuitive.

Forecast for 2010 The Year of the Tiger will be an excellent one for all Dogs with a significant improvement in fortune all year long. They must leave the past behind, for the Ox year was a challenging one, and look forward with optimism and determination. There will still be challenges this year for the Dog, as for all the signs, and it is important that he talk over any potential problems and worries rather than bottling them up. Socially, this is the Dog’s year to shine and many new strong friendships and alliances will be formed. The Year of the Tiger will see increased finances for the Dog with many receiving bonuses or even gifts throughout the year. However, it is important that he takes his time regarding financial matters, checking details and ensuring that he has read all the fine print. May to August will be very significant for single Dogs and all invitations should be carefully considered! September through November will have crucial career opportunities – don’t miss them! Recreational activities and hobbies will also feature strongly, with some able to turn their hobby into their career with great success.

Interesting Dog Facts:
Zodiac Stone: Diamond
Special Flower: Marigold
Best Hours of the day 7-9 pm
Season: Autumn
Horoscope Colors: Silver and Red

The Pig

The Pig is an innocent, sweet and lovable personality. They can also be quite melancholy and over-sensitive. The Pig loves the company of others, and adores parties, gossip and chit chat. They are highly intelligent, but prefer to keep this side of their nature under wraps. The Pig does not care that much for money, but is one of the zodiac signs that is very lucky.

Forecast for 2010 The Pig loves activity and challenges and the Year of the Tiger will certainly provide this. There may be additional financial pressure on the Pig this year, but with prudent spending and consideration, this need not be a problem. The Pig is an open, friendly soul and very trusting, but this year he must be wary. It’s possible that gossip may prove too tempting or that he may listen to false advice, causing upset and trouble. Be guarded and careful this year! The Pig must ensure that he follows up all correspondence or financial dealings – to delay or overlook details will prove costly. Short, fun, unplanned trips will feature throughout the year and will be excellent for off-setting any stresses and pressure the Year of the Tiger may bring. Interest in spirituality and self-development will be to the fore and any opportunity to study and explore these should be taken. November to January will provide excellent opportunities for changing career direction or to find a new job. August to December will prove particularly social, with many fun occasions and opportunities to make new friends.

Interesting Pig Facts
Zodiac Stone: Ruby
Special Flower: Chrysanthemum
Best Hours: 9-11 pm
Season: Autumn
Horoscope Colors: Purple, Red, White

2010-02-04T21:59:00.000Z

Obituary

Today we mourn the passing of a

beloved old friend, Common Sense,

who has been with us for many years.

No one knows for sure how old he was,

since his birth records were long ago

lost in bureaucratic red tape.

He will be remembered as having

cultivated such valuable lessons as:

- Knowing when to come in out of the rain;

- Why the early bird gets the worm;

- Life isn't always fair;

- and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple,

sound financial policies

(don't spend more than you can earn)

and reliable strategies

(adults, not children, are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly

when well-intentioned but overbearing

regulations were set in place. Reports of

a 6-year-old boy charged with sexual

harassment for kissing a classmate;

teens suspended from school for using

mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher

fired for reprimanding an unruly student,

only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents

attacked teachers for doing the job that they

themselves had failed to do in disciplining

their unruly children. It declined even further

when schools were required to get parental

consent to administer sun lotion or an aspirin

to a student; but could not inform parents

when a student became pregnant and

wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the

churches became businesses; and criminals

received better treatment than their victims.

Common Sense took a beating when you

couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in

your own home and the burglar could sue

you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live,

after a woman failed to realize that a steaming

cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her

lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death,

by his parents, Truth and Trust,

by his wife, Discretion,

by his daughter, Responsibility,

and by his son, Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights, I Want It Now,

Someone Else Is To Blame, and I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few

realized he was gone.

2010-01-30T18:07:00.000Z

Update Your Status #1

"Please, copy and paste this in your status if you know someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except a punch in the face, but we can raise awareness."

2010-01-18T10:07:00.001Z

Why The Chicken Really Crossed The Road

2010-01-09T22:27:00.000Z

Speeding Ticket

Two Highway Patrol Officers were conducting speeding enforcement on I-15, just north of Oceanside, San Diego, California .

One of the officers was using a hand held radar device to check speeding vehicles approaching the crest of a hill. The officers were suddenly surprised when the radar gun began reading 300 miles per hour and climbing.

The officer attempted to reset the radar gun, but it would not reset and then it suddenly turned off.

Just then a deafening roar over the treetops revealed that the radar had in fact locked on to a USMC F/A-18 Hornet which was engaged in a low flying exercise near this, it's home base location.

Back at the CaliforniaHighwayPatrol Headquarters the Patrol Captain fired off a complaint to the USMarine Corps. Base Commander for shutting down his equipment.

The reply came back in true USMC style:

"Thank you for your letter.
You may be interested to know that the tactical computer in the Hornet had detected the presence of, and subsequently locked on to, your hostile radar equipment and automatically sent a jamming signal back to it, which is why it shut down.
Furthermore, an Air-to-Ground missile aboard the fully armed aircraft had also automatically locked on to your equipment location.
Fortunately, the Marine Pilot flying the Hornet recognized the situation for what it was, quickly responded to the missile system alert status and was able to override the automated defence system before the missile was launched to destroy the hostile radar position.
The pilot suggests you cover your mouths when cussing at them, since the video systems on these jets are very high tech.
Sergeant Johnson, the officer holding the radar gun, should get his dentist to check his left rear molar. It appears the filling is loose. Also, the snap is broken on his holster.'

USMC Cdr."

2009-12-25T12:21:00.000Z

There is one Christmas Carol that has always baffled me. What in the world do leaping lords, French hens, swimming swans, and especially the partridge who won't come out of the pear tree have to do with Christmas?

From 1558 until 1829, Roman Catholics in England were not permitted to practice their faith openly. Someone during that era wrote this carol as a catechism song for young Catholics. It has two levels of meaning: the surface meaning plus a hidden meaning known only to members of their church. Each element in the carol has a code word for a religious reality which the children could remember.

The partridge in a pear tree was Jesus Christ.
Two turtle doves were the Old and New Testaments.
Three French hens stood for faith, hope and love.
The four calling birds were the four gospels of Matthew, Mark, Luke & John.
The five golden rin
gs recalled the Torah or Law, the first five books of the Old Testament.
The six geese a-laying stood for the six days of creation.
Seven swans a-swimming represented the sevenfold gifts of the Holy Spirit--Prophesy, Serving, Teaching, Exhortation, Contribution, Leadership, and Mercy.
The eight maids a-milking were the eight beatitudes.
Nine ladies dancing were the nine fruits of the Holy Spirit--Love, Joy, Peace, Patience, Kindness, Goodness, Faithfulness, Gentleness, and Self Control.
The ten lords a-leaping were the ten commandments.
The eleven pipers piping stood for the eleven faithful disciples.
The twelve drummers drumming symbolized the twelve points of belief in the Apostles' Creed.

Merry Christmas Everyone

2009-12-19T22:56:00.003Z

Why is it when your wife becomes pregnant, all her female friends rub her tummy and say

"Congratulations!"

But none of them rub your dick and say

"Well done!"

2009-11-15T21:43:00.002Z

"When they discover the center of the universe, some people will be very disappointed when they find out its not them."

2009-10-18T00:29:00.000Z

The Fisherman

One day a fisherman got up very early in the morning. There was not enough sunlight to get into the sea. He saw a pack of stones to pass time. He started throwing the stone into the sea. While having the last stone in the hand. The sun came up then he saw that the stone was a diamond. He felt for his misfortune of throwing all of them into the sea...

Moral of the story: Do not get up early in the morning.

2009-10-10T00:00:00.002Z

The Love Story of Ralph and Edna

Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to, doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool. Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.

He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.

Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now considered her to be mentally stable.

When she went to tell Edna the news she said, "Edna, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to rationally respond to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you love. I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness..

The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt right after you saved him.. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Edna replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry. How soon can I go home?"

Happy Mental Health Day!

2009-10-05T23:32:00.001Z

Sex With Teacher

A 13 year-old boy comes home from school and his mum asks how his day was.

He replies, "I had sex with my teacher today."

"Oh my god! You get to your room! Wait till your father comes home!", says the mum.

A while later the father comes home and the mum says, "Go up to your son's room and talk to him. He's been really bad today."

Dad goes up to the son's room and asks why mum is so mad.

"I told her I had sex with my teacher today," replied the boy.

"Alright! That's my boy!", says Dad.

"You know son, women just don't think like men. But I'm proud of you. What are you now, about thirteen, right? Wow. That's my son! You know what? I'm so proud of you I'm gonna take you out and buy you that new shiny bike you've been wanting!"

So the dad and his son go out and buy the nicest, reddest, shiniest bike in the whole town.

"You gonna ride it home son?" asks Dad.

The boy replied, "Nah, my bum is still sore."

2009-10-01T01:19:00.001Z

Be Considerate In Bed

A COUPLE HAD BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR YEARS BUT THE ONLY FRICTION IN THEIR MARRIAGE WAS THE HUSBAND'S HABIT OF FARTING LOUDLY EVERY MORNING WHEN HE AWOKE. THE NOISE WOULD WAKE HIS WIFE AND THE SMELL WOULD MAKE HER EYES WATER AND MAKE HER GASP FOR AIR.

EVERY MORNING SHE WOULD PLEAD WITH HIM TO STOP RIPPING THEM OFF BECAUSE IT WAS MAKING HER SICK.

HE TOLD HER HE COULDN'T STOP IT AND THAT IT WAS PERFECTLY NATURAL.

SHE TOLD HIM TO SEE A DOCTOR, SHE WAS CONCERNED THAT ONE DAY HE WOULD BLOW HIS GUTS OUT..

THE YEARS WENT BY AND HE CONTINUED TO RIP THEM OUT. THEN ONE CHRISTMAS DAY MORNING, AS SHE WAS PREPARING THE TURKEY FOR DINNER AND HE WAS UPSTAIRS SOUND ASLEEP, SHE LOOKED AT THE INNARDS, NECK, GIZZARD, LIVER AND ALL THE SPARE PARTS, AND A MALICIOUS THOUGHT CAME TO HER.

SHE TOOK THE BOWL AND WENT UPSTAIRS WHERE HER HUSBAND WAS SOUND ASLEEP AND, GENTLY PULLING THE BED COVERS BACK, SHE PULLED BACK THE ELASTIC WAISTBAND OF HIS UNDERPANTS AND EMPTIED THE BOWL OF TURKEY GUTS INTO HIS SHORTS.

SOME TIME LATER SHE HEARD HER HUSBAND WAKEN WITH HIS USUAL TRUMPETING WHICH WAS FOLLOWED BY A BLOOD CURDLING SCREAM AND THE SOUND OF FRANTIC FOOT STEPS AS HE RAN INTO THE BATH ROOM.

THE WIFE COULD HARDLY CONTROL HERSELF AS SHE ROLLED ON THE FLOOR LAUGHING, TEARS IN HER EYES! AFTER YEARS OF TORTURE SHE RECKONED SHE HAD GOT HIM BACK PRETTY GOOD.

ABOUT TWENTY MINUTES LATER, HER HUSBAND CAME DOWNSTAIRS IN HIS BLOODSTAINED UNDERPANTS WITH A LOOK OF HORROR ON HIS FACE.

SHE BIT HER LIP AS SHE ASKED HIM WHAT WAS THE MATTER. HE SAID, 'HONEY YOU WERE RIGHT.' 'ALL THESE YEARS YOU HAVE WARNED ME AND I DIDN'T LISTEN TO YOU'.

"WHAT DO YOU MEAN?" ASKED HIS WIFE.

"WELL, YOU ALWAYS TOLD ME THAT ONE DAY I WOULD END UP FARTING MY GUTS OUT, AND TODAY IT FINALLY HAPPENED. BUT BY THE GRACE OF GOD, WITH SOME VASELINE AND TWO FINGERS. I THINK I GOT MOST OF THEM BACK IN."

2009-09-30T22:54:00.002Z

Important Lessons

Thinking Outside The Box. . .

You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus:

1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.

Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?

Think before you continue reading.

This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application.

You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus, you should save her first. Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back. However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.

The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: "I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind, and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams."

Cleaning Lady

During my second month of college, our professor gave us a pop quiz. I was a conscientious student and had breezed through the questions until I read the last one:

"What is the first name of the woman who cleans the school?" Surely this was some kind of joke. I had seen the cleaning woman several times. She was tall, dark-haired and in her 50s, but how would I know her name?

I handed in my paper, leaving the last question blank. Just before class ended, one student asked if the last question would count toward our quiz grade. "Absolutely," said the professor. "In your careers, you will meet many people. All are significant. They deserve your attention and care, even if all you do is smile and say "hello."

I've never forgotten that lesson. I also learned her name was Dorothy.

Pickup in the Rain

One night, at 11:30 p.m., an older African American woman was standing on the side of an Alabama highway trying to endure a lashing rainstorm. Her car had broken down and she desperately needed a ride. Soaking wet, she decided to flag down the next car. A young white man stopped to help her, generally unheard of in those conflict-filled 1960s. The man took her to safety, helped her get assistance and put her into a taxicab. She seemed to be in a big hurry, but wrote down his address and thanked him. Seven days went by and a knock came on the man's door. To his surprise, a giant console color TV was delivered to his home. A special note was attached..

It read:
"Thank you so much for assisting me on the highway the other night. The rain drenched not only my clothes, but also my spirits. Then you came along. Because of you, I was able to make it to my dying husband's bedside just before he passed away... God bless you for helping me and unselfishly serving others."

Sincerely,
Mrs. Nat King Cole.

Always Remember those who Serve.

In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him.
"How much is an ice cream sundae?" he asked.
"Fifty cents," replied the waitress.
The little boy pulled is hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. "Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?" he inquired.
By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient. "Thirty-five cents," she brusquely replied.
The little boy again counted his coins. "I'll have the plain ice cream," he said.
The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left. When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, was one quarter, two dimes and five pennies.

You see, he couldn't have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.

The Obstacle in Our Path.

In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king's wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.

Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded. After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse lying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.

Thepeasant learned what many of us never understand! Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.

Giving When it Counts...

Many years ago, when I worked as a volunteer at a hospital, I got to know a little girl named Liz who was suffering from a rare & serious disease. Her only chance of recovery appeared to be a blood transfusion from her 5-year old brother, who had miraculously survived the same disease and had developed the antibodies needed to combat the illness.

The doctor explained the situation to her little brother, and asked the little boy if he would be willing to give his blood to his sister. I saw him hesitate for only a moment before taking a deep breath and saying, "Yes I'll do it if it will save her."

As the transfusion progressed, he lay in bed next to his sister and smiled, as we all did, seeing the color returning to her cheek. Then his face grew pale and his smile faded. He looked up at the doctor and asked with a trembling voice, "Will I start to die right away". Being young, the little boy had misunderstood the doctor; he thought he was going to have to give his sister all of his blood in order to save her.

2009-09-10T22:45:00.000Z

A farmer had some puppies he needed to sell. He painted a sign advertising the 4 pups and set about nailing it to a post on the edge of his yard. As he was driving the last nail into the post, he felt a tug on his overalls. He looked down into the eyes of little boy.

"Mister," he said, "I want to buy one of your puppies."

"Well," said the farmer, as he rubbed the sweat off the back of his neck, "These puppies come from fine parents and cost a good deal of money."

The boy dropped his head for a moment. Then reaching deep into his pocket, he pulled out a handful of change and held it up to the farmer.

"I've got thirty-nine cents. Is that enough to take a look?"

"Sure," said the farmer. And with that he let out a whistle. "Here, Dolly!" he called.

Out from the doghouse and down the ramp ran Dolly followed by four little balls of fur.

The little boy pressed his face against the chain link fence. His eyes danced with delight.. As the dogs made their way to the fence, the little boy noticed something else stirring inside the doghouse. Slowly another little ball appeared, this one noticeably smaller. Down the ramp it slid. Then in a somewhat awkward manner, the little pup began hobbling toward the others, doing its best to catch up...

"I want that one," the little boy said, pointing to the runt. The farmer knelt down at the boy's side and said, "Son, you don't want that puppy. He will never be able to run and play with you like these other dogs would."

With that the little boy stepped back from the fence, reached down, and began rolling up one leg of his trousers. In doing so he revealed a steel brace running down both sides of his leg attaching itself to a specially made shoe. Looking back up at the farmer, he said, "You see sir, I don't run too well myself, and he will need someone who understands."

With tears in his eyes, the farmer reached down and picked up the little pup..

Holding it carefully he handed it to the little boy.

"How much?" asked the little boy. "No charge," answered the farmer, "There's no charge for love."

2009-09-03T22:42:00.000Z

CASE OF THE PREGNANT LADY

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus.
She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat.
This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused.
When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court:

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.

The man replied,
"Well your Honor, it was like this: when the lady got on the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.'

'CASE DISMISSED'

2009-08-03T00:31:00.000Z

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat tight so that it would not blow away in the wind.

A gentleman approached her and said, "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady. I need both my hands to hold onto this hat."

"But madam, you must know that you are not wearing any panties and your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied, "Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

2009-08-01T00:24:00.001Z

GOTTA PEE

Two women friends had gone for a girls' night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.

Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take off her panties and use them.

Her friend however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that.

After the girls did their business, they proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other husband and said, "These girl nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife came home with no panties!!"

"That's nothing," said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her ass that said.....

'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'"

2009-07-28T20:22:00.002Z

Elderly Antics

When the husband finally died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly, 'You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.' Replied the widow, 'I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.'

----------------------------

An elderly couple were on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something. Three weeks went by and finally the old man got! a fax from the boat. It read: 'Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000 . Please advise.' The old man faxed back: 'Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.'

----------------------------

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket . They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive! She lives for ten more years, and then dies. Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out, 'Watch that wall!'

----------------------------

When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong. She said, 'I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.'
I said, 'Well, then why are you crying?' She said, 'He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon.
I said, 'Well, why are you crying?' She said, 'For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m. ' I said, 'Well, why i n the world would you be crying?' She said, 'I can't remember where I live!'

----------------------------

Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me....I know we've been friends for a long time.....but I just can't think of your name! I've thought and thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is.' Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'

2009-07-18T20:54:00.000Z

Marriage Woes

They say that marriage makes a man dizzy, and it's true. As soon as I got a wife, I lost my balance at the bank.

Men want 3 qualities in wives: Economist in kitchen, artist in home & devil in bed. But they get artist in kitchen, devil in home & economist in Bed.

Q: Why do women live longer than men?

A: Shopping never causes heart attacks, but paying the bill does!

Before marriage: Roses are red, sky is blue. U r beautiful, I luv u.

After marriage: Roses are dead, I'm blue. U r my headache, one day I'll kill u.

Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with friends. You order what you want, and then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.

Man: Is there any way for long life?

Dr: Get married.

Man: Will it help?

Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?

It's a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?

Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.

2009-07-14T19:01:00.001Z

In 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Northwestern University .

On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot.

The elephant turned to face the man, and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned, and walked away.

Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day.

Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant.

Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing, and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly.

Probably wasn't the same fucking elephant.

2009-07-08T21:22:00.000Z

An Indian man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to India on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Indian man hands over the keys and documents of new Ferrari parked on the street in front of the bank. He produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Indian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral against a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Indian returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "$5,000" ?

The Indian replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

2009-06-23T17:54:00.002Z

2009-06-20T22:01:00.000Z

NO SPEAKA DE ENGLISH

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

"Emma come first.. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! . Two asses, They come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more. "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig", she retorted indignantly, "In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives!"

"Hey, coola down lady", said the man, "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

2009-06-12T21:33:00.000Z

RELATIONSHIP EQUATIONS

ROMANCE

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

______________________________

OFFICE

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

_____________________________

SHOPPING

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

_____________________________

GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

_____________________________

HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

______________________________

LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,

BUT married men are a lot more willing to die.

______________________________

PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

_____________________________

DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the LAST WORD in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

2009-05-23T21:37:00.000Z

The Koala & The Lizard

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting, finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink!?"

2009-05-18T19:41:00.001Z

Difference between Potentiality and Reality

Youngest Son: 'Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'reality'?'

Dad: 'I will show you'

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: 'Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars'?
Wife: 'Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity'!

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: 'Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!'

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: 'Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars'?
Elder Son: 'Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!'

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

T-Mobile Advert "Lifes For Sharing"

2009-04-28T00:15:00.001Z

Genius

2009-04-27T19:13:00.003Z

Dog-Based Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

Franklin P. Jones

If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise

Anonymous

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

Phil Pastoret

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

Roger Caras

2009-04-15T17:31:00.001Z

A young blonde woman in St. Louis was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the Mississippi River. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water When a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the dock, crying. He took pity on her and said, "Look, you have so much to live for. "

I'm off To Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulders and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."

The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? Perhaps a fresh start in Europe would give her life new meaning.

That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn.

Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the Captain. "What are you doing here?" the Captain asked.

"I have an arrangement with one of the sailors," she explained. "I get food and a trip to Europe, and he's screwing me."

"He certainly is," the captain said. "This is the Casino Queen, and we never leave St. Louis ."

2009-04-10T17:11:00.001Z

Some Tips For Life

Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you get older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
Don't believe all you hear, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
When you say, 'I love you,' mean it.
When you say, 'I'm sorry,' look the person in the eye.
Be engaged at least six months before you get married.
Believe in love at first sight.
Never laugh at anyone's dreams. People who don't have dreams don't have much.
Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it's the only way to live life completely.
In disagreements, fight fairly. No name calling.
Don't judge people by their relatives.
Talk slowly but think quickly.
When someone asks you a question you don't want to answer, smile and ask, 'Why do you want to know?'
Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
Say 'bless you' when you hear someone sneeze.
When you lose, don't lose the lesson.
Remember the three R's: Respect for self; Respect for others; and Responsibility for all your actions.
Don't let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
When you realize you've made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
Smile when picking up the phone. The caller will hear it in your voice
Spend some time alone.

2009-03-23T16:31:00.003Z

Doctor's Advice

Q: Doctor, I've heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true? !
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that's it... don't waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that's like saying you can extend the life of your car by driving it faster. Want to live longer? Take a nap.

Q: Should I cut down on meat and eat more fruits and vegetables?
A: You must grasp logistical efficiencies. What does a cow eat? Hay and corn. And what are these? Vegetables. So a steak is nothing more than an efficient
mechanism of delivering vegetables to your system. Need grain? Eat chicken.. Beef is also a good source of field grass (green leafy vegetable). And a pork chop can give you 100% of your recommended daily allowance of vegetable products.

Q: Should I reduce my alcohol intake?
A: No, not at all. Wine is made from fruit. Brandy is distilled wine, that means they take the water out of the fruity bit so you get even more of the goodness that way. Beer is also made out of grain. Bottoms up!

Q: How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
A: Well, if you have a body and you have fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

Q: What are some of the advantages of participating in a regular exercise program?
A: Can't think of a single one, sorry. My philosophy is: No Pain...Good!

Q: Aren't fried foods bad for you?
A: YOU'RE NOT LISTENING!!! .... Foods are fried these days in vegetable oil. In fact, they're permeated in it. How could getting more vegetables be bad
for you? !

Q: Will sit-ups help prevent me from getting a little soft around the middle?
A: Definitely not! When you exercise a muscle, it gets bigger. You should only be doing sit-ups if you want a bigger stomach.

Q: Is chocolate bad for me?
A: Are you crazy? HELLO Cocoa beans! Another vegetable!!! It's the best! feel-good food around!

Q: Is swimming good for your figure?
A: If swimming is good for your figure, explain whales to me.

Q: Is getting in-shape important for my lifestyle?
A: Hey! ! 'Round' is a shape!

Well, I hope this has cleared up any misconceptions you may have had about food and diets. And remember: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways - Chardonnay in one hand - chocolate in the other - body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO, What a Ride"'

AND..... For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting nutritional studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

4. The Italians drink a lot of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than Americans.

Eat and drink what you like.
Being American is apparently what kills you.

2009-03-11T10:47:00.000Z

Animal Instincts

We've all had trouble with our animals, but I don't think anyone can top this one:

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my excuse, I always get the feeling that my boss thinks I'm lying.

On one recent occasion, I had a valid reason but lied anyway, because the truth was just too darned humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury, and I hoped I would feel up to coming in the next day. By then, I reasoned, I could think up a doozy to explain the bandage on the top of my head. The accident occurred mainly because I had given in to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty.
Initially, the new acquisition was no problem.

Then one morning, I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb, call out to me from the kitchen.

'Honey! The garbage disposal is dead again. Please come reset it.'

'You know where the button is,' I protested through the shower pitter-patter and steam. 'Reset it yourself!'

'But I'm scared!' she persisted. 'What if it starts going and sucks me in?' There was a meaningful pause and then, 'C'mon, it'll only take you a second.'

So out I came, dripping wet and butt naked, hoping that my silent outraged nudity would make a statement about how I perceived her behaviour as extremely cowardly.

Sighing loudly, I squatted down and stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing.

It struck without warning, and without any respect to my circumstances. No, it wasn't the hexed disposal, drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, who discovered the fascinating dangling objects she spied hanging between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I reached under the sink. And, at the precise moment when I was most vulnerable, she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her needle-like claws. I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, blindly rising at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a kitten hanging from my masculine region.

Wild animals are sometimes faced with a 'fight or flight' syndrome. Men, in this predicament, choose only the 'flight' option. I know this from experience. I was fleeing straight up into the air when the sink and cabinet bluntly and forcefully impeded my ascent.

The impact knocked me out cold.

When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me.

Now there are not many things in this life worse than finding oneself lying on the kitchen floor butt naked in front of a group of 'been-there, done-that' paramedics.
Even worse, having been fully briefed by my wife, the paramedics were all snorting loudly as they tried to conduct their work, all the while trying to suppress their hysterical laughter......and not succeeding.

Somehow I lived through it all. A few days later I finally made it back in to the office, where colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me about my head injury. I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about, which it was.

'What's the matter?' They all asked, 'Cat got your tongue?'

2009-03-01T08:34:00.001Z

Economic Downturn Money Saving Plan For Companies

To: All Staff,

As you know, the realities of the downturn have hit home and I am forced to introduce the following cost-cutting measures to help shore up our beloved company. I know you will understand that the pain is temporary and the gains will be there for all of us to reap when the company comes through these difficult times stronger... and ready to ride the next big wave. So with immediate effect, all staff will be required to adhere to the following:

a. The cups on the two vending machines are to be recycled. Annabelle has already sterilised them.

b. Sabbatical leave: Executives booked for New York will now go to Kukup in Johor Bahru instead. Senior executives can go further - up to Yong Peng.

c. Our chalet lease in Pulau Ubin has ended. However, as the management takes a keen interest in staff welfare, we have arranged with Francis (from Admin Dept) to rent out one of his rooms at Blk 923, Pasir Ris Drive. His flat was chosen for its proximity to the sea and you can still see Ubin from the window.

d. Entertainment claims: Staff will be required to go for a 30-min demonstration by Raj from Finance Dept, who will show you how to withdraw your credit card slowly from your wallet (58 secs), so that others at a business lunch will inadvertently beat you to it when the bill comes.

e. The Valentine's Day white chocolates (Deluxeur) which I gave out in January : Those of you who have yet to open the box, please return them expiry date: Dec 2009).

f. Monthly Best Employee Award : The $1000 cash award will now be replaced by a box of Deluxeur white chocolates.

g. Annual Best Employee Award : The 14-day Disneyland/Hawaii tour and solid gold Rolex Oyster watch will be replaced by TWO boxes of Deluxeur white chocolates.

h. Medical: The Oxfordshire-Hopkins Medical Group will no more be on our panel. Annabelle will give you the address of Hong Tong Hong Medical Hall in Sungei Road. Bring you company pass for a 10% discount.

i. Country Club Memberships : Senior executives must return their membership cards to Annabelle, who will then register your name with Bishan Community Centre.

j. Transport Allowance : No reduction of rate! However, it will be paid on alternate months.

k. Gifts for clients : New choices. The Bohemian Crystal list will be replaced by the one from 7-eleven.

l. Annual Dinner & Dance : No change (March 20, yay!), but the venue is switched from The Ritz-Carlton to the void deck of Annabelle's flat in Ang Mo Kio Avenue 10.

m. Bonus : This time, staff welfare comes first! Instead of the usual amount, we raised it up to $2 million. Each employee will be given a Singapore Sweep ticket. The draw is on March 5.

From: Chief Financial Officer

2009-02-26T20:56:00.003Z

What is the hardest thing to break?

Diamonds are hard to find but not hard to break.

What is the hardest thing to break then?

The answer is: HABIT

If you break the H, you still have A BIT. If you break the A, you still have BIT. If you break the B, you still have IT!!! And after you break the T in IT, there is still the I. The person at the end of the day, is the root of all the problems.

Now, you know why HABIT is so hard to break.

Its destiny is in its name.

2009-02-23T21:56:00.000Z

Wording

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. The waitress asks them for their orders.

The man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke,' and turns to the ostrich, 'What's yours?'

'I'll have the same,' says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order 'That will be $9.40 please,' and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, 'A hamburger, fries and a coke.'

The ostrich says, 'I'll have the same.'

Again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes routine until the two enter again. 'The usual?' asks the waitress.

'No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and a salad,' says the man.

'Same,' says the ostrich.

Shortly the waitress brings the order and says, 'That will be $32.62.'

Once again the man pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table.

The waitress cannot hold back her curiosity any longer. 'Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change in your pocket every time?'

'Well,' says the man, 'several years ago I was cleaning the attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it, a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there.'

'That's brilliant!' says the waitress. 'Most people would ask for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!'

'That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,' says the man..

The waitress asks, 'What's with the ostrich?'

The man sighs, pauses and answers, 'My second wish was for a tall chick with a big butt and long legs who agrees with everything I say.'

2009-02-19T18:05:00.001Z

ISN'T THIS A LOVELY THEORY?

There is a beautiful and convincing explanation given by the Chinese why the wedding ring should be worn on the fourth finger

Thumb represents your Parents
Second (Index) finger represents your Siblings
Middle finger represents your-Self
Fourth (Ring) finger represents your Life Partner
& the Last (Little) finger represents your children

Firstly, open your palms (face to face), bend the middle fingers and hold them together - back to back
Secondly, open and hold the remaining three fingers and the thumb - tip to tip
Now, try to separate your thumbs (representing the parents)..., they will open, because your parents are not destined to live with you lifelong, and have to leave you sooner or later.
Please join your thumbs as before and separate your Index fingers (representing siblings)...., they will also open, because your brothers and sisters will have their own families and will have to lead their own separate lives.

Now join the Index fingers and separate your Little fingers (representing your children)...., they will open too, because the children also will get married and settle down on their own some day.

Finally, join your Little fingers, and try to separate your Ring fingers (representing your spouse). You will be surprised to see that you just CANNOT....., because Husband & Wife have to remain together all their lives - through thick and thin!!

2009-02-17T08:37:00.001Z

9 Months

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack 's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.

'I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained. 'I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.'

'Don't worry,' Jack said.. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn.. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way.. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney.It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend.

He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, 'Bob , do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?'

'Yes, I do.' said Bob

'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?'

'Well, um, yes,' Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.'

'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?'

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy.. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?'

'She just died and left me everything.'

2009-01-19T18:11:00.002Z

How To Maintain A Healthy Level Of Insanity

At Lunch Time, Sit In Your Parked Car With Sunglasses on and point a Hair Dryer At Passing Cars.
Page Yourself Over The Intercom. Don't DisguiseYour Voice.
Every Time Someone Asks You To Do Something, Ask 'Do you Want Fries with that?'
Put Decaf In The Coffee Maker For 3 Weeks Once Everyone has Gotten Over Their Caffeine Addictions, Switch to Espresso.
In Your Cheque Butts Write 'Marijuana'
Skip Down The Hall Rather Than Walk And See How Many Looks You Get.
Order a 'Diet Water' whenever you go out to eat, with a serious face.
Specify That Your Drive-Through Order Is 'Take-Away'.
Sing Along At The Opera.
Five Days In Advance, Tell Your Friends You Can't Attend Their Party Because You Have A Headache.
When The Money Comes Out The ATM, Scream 'I Won! I Won!'
When Leaving The Zoo, Start Running Towards The Parking Lot, Yelling 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
PICK UP A BOX OF CONDOMS AT THE PHARMACY, GO TO THE COUNTER AND ASK WHERE THE FITTING ROOM IS.

It's Called THERAPY

2008-12-16T19:43:00.000Z

'You don't stop laughing when you get old, you get old when you stop laughing.

2008-12-12T21:47:00.000Z

Words Of Wisdom By George W. Bush

"The vast majority of our imports come from outside the country."

"If we don't succeed, we run the risk of failure."

"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is 'to be prepared'."

"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future."

"The future will be better tomorrow."

"We're going to have the best educated American people in the world."

"I stand by all the misstatements that I've made."

"We have a firm commitment to NATO, we are a part of NATO. We have a firm commitment to Europe. We are a part of Europe"

"Public speaking is very easy."

"A low voter turnout is an indication of fewer people going to the polls."

"I have opinions of my own, strong opinions, but I don't always agree with them."

"We are ready for any unforeseen event that may or may not occur."

"For NASA, space is still a high priority."

"Quite frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it."

2008-11-19T20:03:00.000Z

A SENIOR MOMENT

An elderly lady actually wrote this to her bank. Her bank manager thought it amusing enough to have it published in The Australian and this newspaper thanks him sincerely.

Dear Sir,
I am writing to thank you for bouncing my cheque with which I endeavoured to pay my plumber last month .By my calculations three 'nanoseconds' must have elapsed between his presenting the cheque and the arrival in my account of the funds needed to honour it. I refer, of course. To the automatic monthly deposit of my Pension, an arrangement which I admit has been in place for only eight years. You are to be commended for seizing that brief window of opportunity and also for debiting my account 50 dollars by way of penalty for the inconvenience I caused to your bank.
My thankfulness springs from the manner in which this incident has caused me to rethink my errant financial ways.
I noticed that whereas I personally attend your telephone calls and letters, when I try to contact you, I am confronted by the impersonal, ever-changing re-recorded, faceless entity which your bank has become.

From now on, I, like you, choose to deal only with a flesh-and – blood person. My mortgage and loan payments will therefore and hereafter no longer be automatic, but will arrive at your bank by cheque, addressed personally and confidentially to an employee at your bank whom you must nominate.
Be aware that it is an offence under the Postal Act for any other person to open such an envelope.
Please find attached an Application Contact Status which I require your chosen employee to complete. I am sorry it runs to eight pages but in order that I know as much about him or her as your bank knows about me, there is no alternative. Please note that all copies of his or her medical history must be countersigned by a Solicitor, and the mandatory details of his/her financial situation (income, debts, assets and liabilities) must be accompanied by documented proof.

In due course I shall issue your employee with a PIN number which he/she must quote when dealing with me. I regret that it cannot be shorter than 28 digits but again, I( have modeled it on the number of button presses required of me to access my account balance on your phone bank service. As they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Let me level the playing field even further.

When you call me press buttons as follows:

1. To make an appointment to see me.
2 To query a missing payment.
3 To transfer the call to my living room in case I am there.
4 To transfer the call to my bedroom in case I am sleeping.
5 To transfer the call to my toilet in case I am attending to nature.
6 To transfer the call to my mobile phone in case I am not at home.
7 To leave a message on my computer (a password to access my computer is required. (A password will be communicated to you at a later date to the Authorized Contact)
8 To return to the main menu and listen to options 1 through 8.
9 To make a general complaint or enquiry, the contact will then be put on hold, pending the attention of my automated answering service. While this may, on occasion, involve a lengthy wait, uplifting music will play for the duration of the call.
Regrettably, but again following your example, I must also levy an establishment fee to cover the setting up of this new arrangement.
May I wish you a happy, if ever so slightly less prosperous, New Year.

Your Humble Client.

2008-11-11T12:05:00.000Z

A business man got on an elevator.

When he entered, there was a blonde already inside who greeted him with a
bright, "T-G-I-F."

He smiled at her and replied, "S-H-I-T."

She looked puzzled and repeated, "T-G-I-F," more slowly.

He again answered, "S-H-I-T."

The blonde was trying to keep it friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile,
and said as sweetly as possibly, "T-G-I-F."

The man smiled back to her and once again, "S-H-I-T."

The exasperated blonde finally decided to explain.

'T-G-I-F' means 'Thank Goodness It's Friday.' Get it, duuhhh?"

The man answered, "'S-H-I-T' means 'Sorry, Honey, It's Thursday -- duuhhh

2008-10-15T15:43:00.001Z

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked,
“What are the grounds for your divorce?”
She replied, “About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.”
“No,” he said, “I mean what is the foundation of this case?”
“It is made of concrete, brick and mortar,” she responded.
“I mean,” he continued, “What are your relations like?”
“I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband’s parents.”
He said, “Do you have a real grudge?”
“No,” she replied, “We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one.”
“Please,” he tried again, “is there any infidelity in your marriage?”
“Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don’t necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes.”
“Ma’am, does your husband ever beat you up?”
“Yes,” she responded, “about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do.”
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, “Lady, why do you want a divorce?”
“Oh, I don’t want a divorce,” she replied. “I’ve never wanted a divorce. My husband does.
He said he can’t communicate with me.”

2008-10-15T13:54:00.001Z

2008-10-15T07:08:00.000Z

First the Lord made man in the Garden of Eden.

Then he said to himself, "There's something he's needing.' "

After casting about for a suitable pearl,

He kept messing around and created a girl.

Two beautiful legs, so long and so slender,

Round, slim, and firm, and ever so tender.

Two lovely hips to increase his desire,

And rounded and firm to bring out the fire.

Two lovely breasts, so full and so proud,

Commanding his eyes, as he whispers aloud.

Two lovely arms, just aching to bless you,

And two loving hands, to soothe and caress you.

Soft, cascading hair hung down over her shoulder,

And two dreamy eyes, just to make him grow bolder.

'Twas made for a man, just to make his heart sing.

Then he added a mouth.Ruined the whole thing.

2008-10-15T07:06:00.001Z

I was due for a cancer smear with the doctor later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor's office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am . I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45 am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn't have any time to spare.As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort.

So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pyjamas, wet the facecloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the facecloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment.I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I'm sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.

I was a little surprised when the doctor said, 'My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven't we?'I didn't respond.After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal - some shopping, cleaning, & cooking.

After school when my 7 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom, 'Mummy, where's my facecloth?'

I told her to get another one from the cupboard.She replied, 'No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter saved inside it.'

NEVER going back to that doctor

2008-10-15T07:03:00.001Z

ALCOHOROSCOPES

ARIES : Drinking style Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometime sdon’t know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone to closing-time shot contests. They’re sloppy, fun drunks, and they get mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk I sa good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail. Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They can be counted on to do the same for you — so long as you haven’t gone and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.

TAURUS Drinking style Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is not to say thatthe Bull is by any means a teetotaler — god, no. A squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loud mouth soup, some would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when intoxicated.

GEMINI Drinking style Gemini’s can drink without changing their behavior much– they’re so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it’s just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with finesse and allusion, then doing something to belie an extremely advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini’s possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly, which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order different cocktails every round — repetition is boring — and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER Drinking style Cancer is a comfort drinker — and an extra wine with dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can’t it, Cancer darling? Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and insinuating themselves on VIP lists — and, in true Hollywood style, Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get ‘tired and emotional’ (read: weepy when lubricated). But there’s nothing better than swapping stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also rules the flavor vanilla, and you’d be adored if you served up a vanilla vodka and soda.

LEO Drinking style Leo likes to drink and dance — they’re often fabulous dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they’re quite aware they’re darling -Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue — and perhaps not with the one what rung them. But Leo’s not the type to break rules even when drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expects a sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO Drinking style Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking less than other signs, sure –but it could also lead to drinking booze neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely get fully shellacked — but, oh, when they do! Virgo’s controlled by the intellect, but there’s an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let it loose when walloped. It’s dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As one Virgo friend used to declare, ‘I’m going to drink myself into a low-level of intelligence tonight.’ A toast to the sub genius IQ!

LIBRA Drinking style ‘I’m jusht a social drinker,’ slurs Libra, ‘it’s jusht that I’m so damn social?’ Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with Insta-Frienddevice set to ‘on’) or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room. Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control, however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble –including wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting with every man/woman in the roomor even blacking out the night’s events entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO Drinking style Don’t ever tell Scorpios they’ve had enough, for they’ll smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they’re hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink, and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them seethe sauce as something to savor in itself, and not asa personality-altering tool — though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total obliteration. But generally, they’re fascinating drinking pals, brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember everything — especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink with a Scorpio who likes you.

SAGITTARIUS Drinking style In vino veritas — and, for Sagittarius, in booze blurtiness: When buttered, they’ll spill all your secrets and many of their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole Smith?). They’re the people who chat up everyone in the room, then persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else — like a nightclub, or a playground, or Cancun. Good-natured hijinks are sure to ensue (including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN Drinking style Capricorn is usually described as practical, steadfast, money-hungry and status-thirsty — no wonder they get left off the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David Bowie and Annie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who’re you to quibble? But just like most rock stars, they’re either totally on or totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hookup with a cute groupie.

AQUARIUS Drinking style Aquarius and drinking don’t go together that well(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they’re more stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they’re throwing a party or organizing an outing, however, they’re too preoccupied with their duties to get combative — and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case. Fortunately, they’re usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising their wrist):Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES Drinking style If you’re a Pisces, you’ve probably already heard that you share a sign and an addictive personality –with Liz Taylor, Lisa Minnelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in the dreamy, out-there feeling that only hooch can give, but they build up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On the other hand, they’re fabulously enchanting partners, whether in conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out sharing a pitcher of margaritas and windup in bed together for days. The phrase ‘addictive personality’ can be read two ways, you know. .

2008-09-12T11:35:00.002Z

* Before attempting to remove stubborn stains from a garment, always circle the stain in permanent pen, so that when you remove the garment from the washing machine you can easily locate the area of the stain and check that it has gone.

* Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand next to the object you wish to view.

* Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.

* Always poo at work. Not only will you save money on toilet paper,but you'll also be getting paid for it.

* Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at a chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the fucking thing in the first place.

* Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whiskey. The morning after, you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on the wall.

* Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your home by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach, then urinating into it, before jumping in.

* Don't buy expensive 'ribbed' condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

* Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

* An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an inexpensive vibrator.

* Olympic athletes: Disguise the fact that you've taken steroids by running a bit slower.

* Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next fag from the butt of your last one.

* Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat substitute etc 'tastes exactly like the real thing', they won't know the difference.

* Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about yours,and ask for a nice steak.

* High blood pressure sufferers: Simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.

* Heavy smokers: Don't throw away those filters from the end of your cigarettes. Save them up and within a few years you'll have enough to insulate your roof.

* Nissan Micra drivers: Attach a lighted sparkler to the roof of your car before starting a long journey. You drive the things like dodgems anyway, so it may as well look like one.

* A mouse trap placed on top on of your alarm clock will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep.

* Avoid bickering and petty arguments by immediately punching anyone with whom you disagree.

* Fool next door into thinking you have more stairs than them by banging your feet twice on each stair.

* At supermarket checkouts a Toblerone box makes a handy 'Next customer Please' sign for dyslexic shoppers.

* Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes' eyes bulge and cause them to swim in an amusing manner.

* A next-door neighbour's car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal coat hanger in an emergency.

* AVOID parking tickets by leaving your windscreen wipers turned to 'fast wipe' whenever you leave your car parked illegally. Brilliant!

* OLD telephone directories make ideal personal address books. Simply cross out the names and address of people you don't know.

* If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is almost instantly removed.

2008-08-04T11:26:00.001Z

Body Language

A woman gets on a city bus.

She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were allabout. The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going past the dairy, and I told her it was going past the ballpark..."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, "She meant "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!""

2008-07-08T18:36:00.002Z

On their 50th anniversary, a wife found the negligee she wore on her wedding night and put it on. She went to her husband, a retired military man, and asked, 'Honey, do you remember this?'

He looked up from his newspaper and said; 'Yes dear, I do. You wore that same negligee the night we were married.'

She said, 'Yes, that's right. Do you remember what you said to me that night?'

He nodded and said 'Yes dear, I said; Oh baby, I'm going to suck the life out of those boobs and screw your brains out.'

She giggled and said; 'That's exactly what you said. So now it's fifty years later, and I'm in the same negligee. What do you have to say tonight?'

He looked her up and down and said; 'Mission Accomplished!!!'

2008-07-01T18:54:00.000Z

A Woman comes home and tells her husband,'Remember those headaches I've been having all these years? Well, they're gone.'

'No more headaches?' the husband asks, 'What happened?'

His wife replies, 'Margie referred me to a hypnotist.He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat

I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache, I do not have a headache.

It worked! The headaches are all gone.'

His wife then says,'You know, you haven't been exactly a ball of fire in the bedroom these last few years. Why don't you go see the hypnotist and see if he can do anything for that?'

The husband agrees to try it. Following his appointment, the husband comes home, rips off his clothes, picks up his wife and carries her into the bedroom. He puts her on the bed and says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

He goes into the bathroom and comes back a few minutes later and jumps into bed and makes passionate love to his wife like never before.

His wife says, 'Boy, that was wonderful!'

The husband says,'Don't move! I will be right back.'

He goes back into the bathroom, comes back and round two was even better than the first time. The wife sits up and her head is spinning.

Her husband again says, 'Don't move, I'll be right back.'

With that, he goes back in the bathroom. This time, his wife quietly follows him and there, in the bathroom, she sees him standing at the mirror and saying,

'She's not my wife. She's not my wife. She's not my wife!'

His funeral service will be held on Saturday.

2008-06-18T21:24:00.001Z

Keys Me

2008-06-08T21:25:00.001Z

Ken Lee

2008-05-31T00:15:00.000Z

Simple Weather Forecast

2008-05-26T18:45:00.000Z

One morning the husband returns in his boat after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, and reads her book.

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, thinking "Isn't that obvious?"

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the game warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

2008-05-25T18:50:00.000Z

A father came home and found his three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard. The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon , and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing. In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife. He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know every day when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world did I do today?"

"Yes," was his incredulous reply.

She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

2008-05-16T20:01:00.000Z

THE ONION AND THE CHRISTMAS TREE

The family is sitting at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round & firm. In her thirties & forties, they are like pears, still nice, but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them, and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter says, "Mom, how many types of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties & forties, it's like a birch tree, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree??"

"Yes dear, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."

2008-05-08T19:03:00.000Z

Mischievous Brothers

Two little boys, ages 8 and 10, are excessively mischievous. They are
always getting into trouble and their parents know all about it. If any mischief occurs in their town, the two boys are probably involved. The boys' mother heard that a preacher in town had been successful in disciplining children, so she asked if he would speak with her boys. The preacher agreed, but he asked to see them individually.

So the mother sent the 8 year old first, in the morning, with the older boy to see the preacher in the afternoon. The preacher, a huge man with a booming voice, sat the younger boy down and asked him sternly, "Do you know where God is, son?"

The boy's mouth dropped open, but he made no response, sitting there wide-eyed with his mouth hanging open.

So the preacher repeated the question in an even sterner tone, "Where is God?!"

Again, the boy made no attempt to answer. The preacher raised his voice even more and shook his finger in the boy's face and bellowed, "Where is God?!"

The boy screamed and bolted from the room, ran directly home and dove into his closet, slamming the door behind him.

When his older brother found him in the closet, he asked, "What happened?"

The younger brother, gasping for breath, replied, "We are in BIG trouble this time. GOD is missing, and they think we did it!"

2008-04-13T21:40:00.001Z

Check out this video: Cutest Kitten ever

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2008-04-02T19:07:00.005Z

Orange You Happy To See Me

2008-04-01T18:38:00.000Z

Choose Your Logos (& Signs) Wisely

2008-03-22T19:00:00.000Z

Inspirational Poster We Will Probably Not See In Print

2008-03-12T18:54:00.002Z

Famous Arches Around The World

2008-03-05T18:16:00.002Z

Have You Seen Mas Selamat Kastari?

These Might Help:

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2008-02-27T12:44:00.001Z

Disney's Desperate Housewives?

2008-02-02T12:46:00.000Z

The Man With The Great Vision

2008-01-27T12:55:00.000Z

Doggy Style

Thanks to my sis' friend...

2008-01-12T17:32:00.000Z

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2007-11-18T20:19:00.000Z

Below is an article written by Rick Reilly of Sports Illustrated. He details his experiences when given the opportunity to fly in a F-14 Tomcat.

Someday you may be invited to fly in the back-seat of one of your country's most powerful fighter jets. Many of you already have . John Elway, John Stockton, Tiger Woods to name a few. If you get this opportunity, let me urge you, with the greatest sincerity...

Move to Guam .
Change your name.
Fake your own death!
Whatever you do.
Do Not Go!!!
I know.

The U.S. Navy invited me to try it. I was thrilled. I was pumped. I was toast! I should've known when they told me my pilot would be Chip (Biff) King of Fighter Squadron 213 at Naval Air Station Oceana in Virginia Beach.

Whatever you're thinking a Top Gun named Chip (Biff) King looks like, triple it. He's about six-foot, tan, ice-blue eyes, wavy surfer hair, finger-crippling handshake -- the kind of man who wrestles dyspeptic alligators in his leisure time. If you see this man, run the other way. Fast.

Biff King was born to fly. His father, Jack King, was for years the voice of NASA missions. ('T-minus 15 seconds and counting ' Remember?) Chip would charge neighborhood kids a quarter each to hear his dad. Jack would wake up from naps surrounded by nine-year-olds waiting for him to say, 'We have liftoff'.

Biff was to fly me in an F- 14D Tomcat, a ridiculously powerful $60 million weapon with nearly as much thrust as weight, not unlike Colin Montgomerie. I was worried about getting airsick, so the night before the flight I asked Biff if there was something I should eat the next morning.

'Bananas,' he said.

'For the potassium?' I asked.

'No,' Biff said, 'because they taste about the same coming up as they do going down.'

The next morning, out on the tarmac, I had on my flight suit with my name sewn over the left breast. (No call sign -- like Crash or Sticky or Leadfoot. But, still, very cool.) I carried my helmet in the crook of my arm, as Biff had instructed. If ever in my life I had a chance to nail Nicole Kidman, this was it.

A fighter pilot named Psycho gave me a safety briefing and then fastened me into my ejection seat, which, when employed, would 'egress' me out of the plane at such a velocity that I would be immediately knocked unconscious.

Just as I was thinking about aborting the flight, the canopy closed over me, and Biff gave the ground crew a thumbs-up. In minutes we were firing nose up at 600 mph. We leveled out and then canopy-rolled over another F-14.

Those 20 minutes were the rush of my life. Unfortunately, the ride lasted 80.. It was like being on the roller coaster at Six Flags Over Hell. Only without rails. We did barrel rolls, snap rolls, loops, yanks and banks. We dived, rose and dived again, sometimes with a vertical velocity of 10,000 feet per minute. We chased another F-14,
and it chased us.

We broke the speed of sound. Sea was sky and sky was sea. Flying at 200 feet we did 90-degree turns at 550 mph, creating a G force of 6.5, which is to say I felt as if 6.5 times my body weight was smashing against me, thereby approximating life as Mrs. Colin Montgomerie.

And I egressed the bananas.

And I egressed the pizza from the night before.

And the lunch before that.

I egressed a box of Milk Duds from the sixth grade.

I made Linda Blair look polite. Because of the G's, I was egressing stuff that never thought would be egressed.

I went through not one airsick bag, but two.

Biff said I passed out. Twice. I was coated in sweat. At one point, as we were coming in upside down in a banked curve on a mock bombing target and the G's were flattening me like a tortilla and I was in and out of consciousness, I realized I was the first person in history to throw down.

I used to know 'cool'. Cool was Elway throwing a touchdown pass, or Norman making a five-iron bite. But now I really know 'cool'. Cool is guys like Biff, men with cast-iron stomachs and freon nerves. I wouldn't go up there again for Derek Jeter's black book, but I'm glad Biff does every day, and for less a year than a rookie reliever makes in a home stand.

A week later, when the spins finally stopped, Biff called. He said he and the fighters had the perfect call sign for me. Said he'd send it on a patch for my flight suit.

What is it?? I asked.

'Two Bags.'

I have this bumper sticker on the back of my Ford Explorer

2007-11-17T16:54:00.000Z

WOMEN

They smile when they want to scream.
They sing when they want to cry.
They cry when they are happy.
They laugh when they are nervous
They fight for what they believe in.
They stand up for injustice.
They don't take "no" for an answer when they believe there is a better solution.
They go without new shoes so their children can have them.
They go to the doctor with a frightened friend.
They love unconditionally.
They cry when their children excel and cheer when their friends get awards.
They are happy when they hear about a birth or a new marriage.
Their hearts break when a friend dies.
They have sorrow at the loss of a family member, yet they are strong when they think there is no strength left.
They know that a hug and a kiss can heal a broken heart.
Women come in all sizes, in all colors and shapes.
They'll drive, fly, walk, run or e-mail you to show how much they care about you.
The heart of a woman is what makes the world spin!
Women do more than just give birth.
They bring joy and hope.
They give compassion and ideals.
They give moral support to their family and friends.
Women have a lot to say and a lot to give.

IT'S GOOD TO BE THE WOMAN
We got off the Titanic first.
We can scare male bosses with mysterious gynaecological disorder excuses.
Taxis stop for us.
We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
No fashion faux pas we make could ever rival The Speedo.
We don't have to pass gas to amuse ourselves.
If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
We can congratulate our teammate without ever touching her rear.
We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
We have the ability to dress ourselves.
We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
We'll never regret piercing our ears.
We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
We can make comments about how silly men are in their presence, because they aren't listening anyway.

2007-11-11T19:15:00.000Z

The other night I was invited out for a night with the girls. I told my husband that I would be home by midnight, "I promise!"

Well, the hours passed and the margaritas went down way too easily. Around 3 a.m., a bit loaded, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hallway started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, realizing my husband would probably wake up, I cuckooed another 9 times. I was really proud of myself for coming up
with such a quick-witted solution, in order to escape a possible conflict
with him. (Even when totally smashed... 3 cuckoos plus 9 cuckoos totals 12
cuckoos= MIDNIGHT!)

The next morning my husband asked me what time I got in, I told him "MIDNIGHT"... he didn't seem pissed off in the least. Whew, I got away with that one! Then he said "We need a new cuckoo clock."

When I asked him why, he said, "Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said "oh shit." Cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another three times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then tripped over the coffee table and farted.

2007-11-10T19:29:00.000Z

A Florida couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about
An African black bush tribe whose men all had penises 24 inches long.

When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around
his Penis and on the other end is a weight.

After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
(8 times the usual for some)

Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his
Wife looked at him and said, "How about we try the African
string-and-weight procedure?"

The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis

A few days later, the wife asked the husband, "How is our little tribal
Experiment coming along?"

"Well, it looks like we're about half way there," he replied.

"Wow, you mean it's grown to 12 inches?"

"No, it's turned black".

2007-10-11T22:02:00.000Z

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?
because they are plugged into a genius

2. WHY DON'T WOMEN BLINK DURING SEX?
they don't have enough time

3. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?
they don't stop to ask directions

4. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?
because their balls fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock

5. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?
so they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties

6. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?
you need a rough draft before you make a final copy

7. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?
don't know.....its never happened

8. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?
because a vibrator can't mow the lawn

One day my housework-challenged husband decided to wash his Sweat-shirt. Seconds after he stepped into the laundry room, he shouted to me, "What setting do I use on the washing machine?"
"It depends," I replied. "What does it say on your shirt?"
He yelled back, "University of Oklahoma .."
And they say blondes are dumb...

A couple is lying in bed. The man says,
"I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world."
The woman replies, "I'll miss you..."

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Q: What do you call an intelligent, good looking, sensitive man?
A: A rumor

---------------------------------------------------------------- -

Q: Why do little boys whine?

A: They are practicing to be men.

----------------------------------------------- --

Q: What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

A: You did not hold the pillow down long enough.

-----------------------------------------------------------

Q: How do you keep your husband from reading your

e-mail?

A: Rename the mail folder "Instruction Manual."

-----------------------------------------------------------

2007-09-26T20:22:00.000Z

The new Secretary of Defense briefed the President this morning.

He told Bush that three Brazilian soldiers were killed in Iraq.

To everyone's amazement, all the color drained from Bush's face, then

he collapsed onto his desk, head in hands, visibly shaken, almost in tears.

Finally, he composed himself and asked, 'Just exactly how many is a Brazilian?'

2007-09-25T20:26:00.000Z

A sexually active woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were too loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found 3 roses carefully placed beside her on the bed.

Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor. "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him: "I felt sad because you went through this all by yourself."

"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and empathized because she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.

"That's from a man upstairs in the burn unit. He wanted to thank you for his new ears."

2007-09-14T18:06:00.000Z

Three Men on a Hike

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging, violent river. Needing to get to the other side, the first man prayed:
"God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof! ... God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim
across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed: "God, please give me strength
and the tools to cross the river"

Poof! ... God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed:
"God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross
the river"

Poof! ... He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one
hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

2007-07-09T18:33:00.000Z

the poem

The Interview With God

I dreamed I had an interview with God.

'So you would like to interview me?' God asked.

'If you have the time,' I said.

God smiled. 'My time is eternity.
What questions do you have in mind for me?'

'What surprises you most about humankind?'

God answered. . .

'That they get bored with childhood,
they rush to grow up, and then
long to be children again.

That they lose their health to make money . . .
and then lose their money to restore their health.

That by thinking anxiuosly about the future,
they forget the present,
such that they live in neither
the present nor the future.

That they live as if they will nevr die,
and die as though they had never lived.'

God's hand took mine
and we were silent for a while.

And then I asked . . .
'As a parent, what are some of life's lessons
you want your children to learn?'

'To learn they cannot make anyone
love them. All they can do
is let themselves be loved.

To learn that it is not good
to compare themselves to others.

To learn to forgive
by practising forgiveness.

To learn that it only takes a few seconds
to open profound wounds in those they love,
and it can take many years to heal them.

To learn that a rich person
is not one who has the most,
but is one who needs the least.

To learn that there are people
who love them dearly,
but simply have not yet learned
how to express or show their feelings.

To learn that two people can
look at the same thing
and see it differently.

To learn that it is not enough that they
forigve one another, but they must also forgive
themselves.'

'Thank you for your time,' I said humbly.
'Is there anything else
you would like your children to know?'

God smiled and said,
'Just know that I am here . . . always.'

-author unknown

2007-07-06T21:40:00.000Z

I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his DDS diploma, which bore his full name.

Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my high school class nearly 40 years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?

Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park High School.

"Yes. Yes, I did. I'm a mustang," he gleamed with pride.

"When did you graduate?" I asked.

He answered, "In 1968. Why do you ask?"

He looked at me closely. Then, that ugly, old, wrinkled, bald, fat, grey, decrepit son-of-a-bitch asked, "What did you teach?"