RELATIONSHIP EQUATIONS

ROMANCE

Smart man + smart woman = romance

Smart man + dumb woman = affair

Dumb man + smart woman = marriage

Dumb man + dumb woman = pregnancy

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OFFICE

Smart boss + smart employee = profit

Smart boss + dumb employee = production

Dumb boss + smart employee = promotion

Dumb boss + dumb employee = overtime

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SHOPPING

A man will pay $20 for a $10 item he needs.

A woman will pay $10 for a $20 item that she doesn't need.

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GENERAL EQUATIONS & STATISTICS

A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.

A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.

A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

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HAPPINESS

To be happy with a man, you must understand him a lot and love him a little.

To be happy with a woman, you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.

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LONGEVITY

Married men live longer than single men do,

BUT married men are a lot more willing to die.

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PROPENSITY TO CHANGE

A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.

A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.

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DISCUSSION TECHNIQUE

A woman has the LAST WORD in any argument.

Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

A bus stops and 2 Italian men get on. They sit down and engage in an animated conversation. The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:

:Emma come first.. Den I come. Den two asses come together. I come once-a-more! Two asses, come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come one lasta time.'

The lady can't take this any more. "You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig" she retorted indignantly, "In this country. we don't speak aloud in public places about our sex lives."

"Hey, coola down lady" said the man. "Who talkin' abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell 'Mississippi'."

The Koala & The Lizard

A koala was sitting in a gum tree smoking a joint when a little lizard walked past, looked up and said, 'Hey Koala! What are you doing?'

The koala said, 'Smoking a joint, come up and have some.'

So the little lizard climbed up and sat next to the koala where they enjoyed a few joints. After a while the little lizard said that his mouth was 'dry' and that he was going to get a drink from the river.

The little lizard was so stoned that he leaned over too far and fell into the river. A crocodile saw this and swam over to the little lizard and helped him to the side. Then he asked the little lizard, 'What's the matter with you?'

The little lizard explained to the crocodile that he had been sitting with the koala in the tree, smoking a joint, but got too stoned and fell into the river while taking a drink..

The crocodile said that he had to check this out and walked into the forest, found the tree where the koala was sitting, finishing a joint. The crocodile looked up and said, "Hey you!"

So the koala looked down at him and said, "Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude...How much water did you drink!?"

Difference between Potentiality and Reality

Youngest Son: 'Tell me Daddy, what is the difference between 'Potentially' and 'reality'?'

Dad: 'I will show you'

Dad turns to his wife and asks her: 'Would you sleep with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars'?
Wife: 'Yes of course! I would never waste such an opportunity'!

Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for 1 Million dollars?
Daughter: 'Wow! Yes! He is my fantasy!'

So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: 'Would you sleep with, Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars'?
Elder Son: 'Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do with 1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!'

So the father turns back to his younger son saying: You see son, 'Potentially' we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in 'Reality' we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.

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Genius

Dog-Based Logic

The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.

Anonymous

There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.

Ben Williams

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself.

Josh Billings

The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.

Andy Rooney

Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never washed a dog.

Franklin P. Jones


If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise

Anonymous

If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them.

Phil Pastoret

If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.

Mark Twain

Dogs are not our whole life, but they make our lives whole.

Roger Caras